So I just had the best call with my boyfriend, which started off as a ‘bad’ one.
After I finished the call I thought to myself: This would be a great topic to talk about on my blog. For other LDR couples to read and it might help them. To remind myself and everyone else why I’m doing this.
So here we go, let me share my little tale..
Let’s start off with something I haven’t been open about with you guys yet and start from the first time this thought crossed my mind. When I turned 21, my best friend forced me to hang out with her, the weekend after my birthday. I say forced because I’m not used to celebrating my birthday at all. But she wanted me to have a good time so we went out and I did have heaps of fun. We sat down and talked about my LDR with TY. While we were drinking tea and eating pie at a diner, she asked me the question I always get: “So, Naomi. Which one of you will move to the other one’s country?” To which I immediately replied with: Me. I will move to Taiwan.
Since this was always the plan from day 1. She looked at me, and as the amazing good friend she is, she straight up told me: Okay.. What about your mother?
I told her I’d leave my mother and stepdad behind but that they were okay with that, since we already had that talk. She put down her drink and said something to me. Something I had NEVER, not once, thought about before. Which made me feel guilty towards my mother, but I honest to god never thought of it before. “But… You’re the only person your mother has left.. And she’s the only one you’ve got left.” To which I replied: Yeah, but she said it was fine.
She smiled at me and said: “Naomi, I know your mother and she truly is an amazing woman. She loves you so much. She would never dare to tell you to give up on your love for her. But think about her.”
I stared at her, completely at a loss for words. How did I not think like that before? It’s true. 100% true. My mother and I have lost all our family. Apart from my uncle on mom’s side and my brother, but we cannot be sure of them. Not be sure, as in, they might not stick around until the bitter end with us. We have gone through SO MUCH together, my mother and I, if I were to tell you guys everything, it would literally take me a hundred posts to let you understand. But just believe me, when I say, that my mother and I went through hell and back together. Because of this reason, we became so close together and we are truly all we have left. I told her that I would think about what she said and I thanked her for letting me see something I hadn’t before. Until that moment, all I had thought off was: I want to make this future with TY work and I would do anything for us.
My mother is the kind of woman who won’t tell me to abandon that dream of me and TY in Taiwan. So eventually I sat down with her one day before work started and told her what my best friend had told me. She nodded and said: She was right. I would never say that to you of course, but she has a very good point. If the worst would happen, John(my stepdad) would pass away first, and then I’d be alone.
So this has troubled me for quite some time now. Because since day 1 I’ve told TY that I would gladly move to Taiwan for us. I’d still gladly do this, but my friend helped me realize something that I hadn’t thought of before. I can’t leave my mother behind. We’re all we’ve got left. If I leave, she won’t have anyone left. My brother is a special case and as I said before, we can’t count on my brother or my uncle to stick around until the bitter end. I would for her, and she would for me. I told myself I’d adress this issue with TY when we’d be together in Taiwan next year. Because I don’t want to talk about such serious topics over a “phone call”. I’d rather talk to him about this face to face, when we can read eachother’s body language and really understand what the other is saying.
So I had intended to do just that, right?
So earlier this evening, TY wanted to call with me, as usual. We started talking about a specific topic, which (unexpectedly) turned into him telling me: “Next year we will go around and check for a Visa for you in Taiwan so we can deal with this and see what you’ll need, to become a citizen here.” I told him no, but without further explaining. My mother heard us and told me in Dutch: You have to tell him.
I took a deep breath, went to my room and told him: I said no, but I wanted to talk to you about this in person.. Not over a call.
He said: Try to tell me what’s bothering you please.
I proceeded to tell him the whole story and when I got to the part of ‘my mother and I, we only have eachother.’ I broke down. I started crying and I couldn’t stop. My emotions took over and TY fell silent.
This was it. This was the moment where I tell him for the first time that I might not move to Taiwan in the end. The conversation could’ve gone two ways.
1, being that TY would get upset. Why didn’t I tell him before, why I changed my mind, that I had made a promise and I was about to break it.
2, he’d understand.
He understood. He calmed me down, dried my tears without even being physically next to me. He comforted me, the best way he could. He told me he understood and that it is a very hard topic to talk about. It’s something we’ll have to work towards to, as the years go by. We’re not there yet but it’s good that we’re talking about it now. He said: “I’m glad you told me this. It’s not something you should carry all by yourself. This is something I can help you with. We can carry this weight together. You shouldn’t have to do this alone.”
We continued talking about how blessed and lucky we are to have eachother. And how, if anything, these hard moments(him going to mandatory and now this) have brought us closer together. How we’re still going strong and how much closer we seem to get, everytime something hard and difficult comes on our way. How we overcome it, together. How we complete eachother.
He told me, he’s happy we’re in this long distance relationship, because 99,9% of couples won’t have this kind of hardship in their relationship. And they’re missing out, because we have something beautiful and something unique. That when we come out of this, we will be a 1000 times stronger and nothing can break us up again.
I truly believe this and I am SO glad I heard him say this, because it reminded me why I loved him so much. I never doubted my own feelings but from time to time, doubt does creep up inside of you and you can’t help but wonder: are we on the same page?
And we are. We always were and it really helped me hear him say it tonight.
And for anyone else going through a LDR and you want some tips: Talk. Not just about the good, share the bad. It’s what shapes your relationship with your partner. If you can’t talk about the bad with your significant other, then a LDR is not for you. It won’t work. Because you HAVE, you just have to be able to talk about both the good and the bad. If you can, then consider yourself extremely lucky to have found someone like that. Because you’re working towards a future together and opening yourself towards your partner is super scary. Especially for me. This is only the second time I’ve cried on call with TY but to me it feels like a second time too much. Because I hate it. Initially, I hated it. I don’t want him to hear or see me display my weakness. Because people have used it against me countless of times in the past. Not boyfriends, but people who I loved dearly. Family has used it against me. It’s super scary but sometimes you have to open yourself up. Show that vulnerable side of yourself in order to achieve a stronger bond with your S.O.
Initially I hated it, but I’m so glad now. After the call, literally a weight fell off my shouders. I took a deep breath and when I exhaled, the heavy feeling was lifted from my shoulders.
The biggest perk of being in a LDR, is the uniqueness of it. If you ever have doubts about why you’re in this LDR again, think of that. Think of how unique the approach is, that you take in this relationship. You have something that countless of other couples don’t have and you have something that some couples take years and years to find. Trust, communication, the unconditional love. The happiness and the feeling you’ll have once you accomplished it all. When it’s all behind you. When the ‘long distance’ part of your relationship is gone. When you’re together and you can look back and think to yourself: We have something that some couples take years to achieve. We accomplished our goal. We are whole and we made it.
And I know how hard it can be. Believe me. But that is something that makes me remember why I love him so much. That’s something that I feel blessed to have. Something I will forever hold dear.