I didn’t think I’d make another post today, seeing as I’m actually very tired. However, I just had an amazing talk with my mother. We are very close and open towards each other. Though sometimes it may be a bit awkward that she’s so open with me, it does feel nice discussing things with her that way. While talking I realized something for the very first time. I said it out loud to my mother and a lightbulb went on. I knew why it never worked out with others.
As I was talking to her, I opened up the app: “Love D-Day”, that I mentioned in my “10 months” post. I saw that there’s only 37 days left until TY and I hit the 1 year mark. To which I smiled and said: “Oh my god, one year almost. That’s the longest relationship and only relationship I’ve ever had.” She smiled and agreed with me. TY is my first real relationship, however I have dated a few guys starting from the age of 18 and had a lot of crushes on guys when I was way younger. I was actually very young when I started to discover that guys can be more than friends. Having grown up with Disney movies and being a Virgo, which results in me being very naive sometimes, I always had dreams of “the one”. Also being the person that I am, I fall for someone fast and hard. Not meaning I give myself away physically because (maybe too much info) but I am still a virgin. And TY is the first guy I’ve even really made out with. I will probably regret going into so much detail, tomorrow, but remember right now I’m still in my “very-open-sharing-everything-and-doesn’t-care mood”. What I mean though is that I like someone very quickly. Just think about TY, the first time I saw him I was like: yup, he’s it. Because of this I have crushed on guys a lot. I think it started at the age of 8, in primary school. Now all of this was puppy love, however for me at that age it felt real.
I was always rejected. Always.
My mother and I started talking and she said she has never ever been rejected. My mother is also a Leo, for all you star sign lovers out there(like myself), so it would make sense my mother is a bit more dominant. However I am not, I’d say I’m more submissive. Though it sounds really wrong, I hope you guys understand what I mean. She then said she was also always the one who ended the relationships. And she’s been in a few, considering she’s 45. I was surprised to hear this and told her, even though I’m still very young, that I have always been rejected and was always the one who got dumped, messed over and rejected. We continued our talking, when at one point I said to her: “After I met TY however, I finally realized why it never worked out with the others before. Because when you get rejected so much, your entire life and not just by people you see as a potential love interest, you cling onto the next person for dear life, who shows interest in you.” After I said it, it all made sense.
Though it started the same for me with TY as it did with other guys. TY was, as cliche as it may sound, different. He liked me back. For the good reasons. He liked me for who I was. Not for my body, not for sexual favors. He liked me. All of me.
The other guys liked me for the wrong reasons. I can now slap myself across the face for being so naive before. As I said, the first guy who showed any bit of interest in me was mine. I didn’t do it on purpose but I clung to him immediately. Thinking: if I don’t, he’ll run away. And I’ll never find someone again because I always get rejected.
This also explains a part of my depression, where a lot of the thoughts I was having, had to do with me honestly believing I’d be “forever alone”. Which sucks if you come to think about it, considering I am a hopeless romantic who grew up with Disney movies and the dreams of her prince on the white horse who’d be the one. Basically all the cliches about love in one girl’s mind. I got it now however. That’s why it never worked out before. It was terrible that I did this though, because now I understand why the guys would mention sex and sexual related things whenever I’d be spending time with them. Not only that, it’s dangerous. It’s wrong. It’s bad. To feel like that and think like that. I feel stupid but also feel lucky for never having any big problems after being around guys like that. For example: giving in to them and losing my virginity to someone who is NOT at all worthy of it. Or ending up in a very very bad situation like that. I only just realized it, after talking to my mother about it.
Though it started the same with TY, it ended differently. He was in it for all the right reasons and showed me something I never experienced before: a guy who truly loves you.
After being around so many wrong guys, I thought that love was something that had to do with sex. That the reason it didn’t work out was me not giving them what they wanted. I thought it was normal. I thought that the guys would eventually change because they met me and I wasn’t like all of those other girls. I turned out to be partially one of all those other girls. I didn’t put out. But at the same time I did fall for it. Many times. Because so much rejection made me think so.
TY wants to genuinely know how I’m doing. If I’m upset, he won’t go to sleep before I feel better, even if he needs to wake up at 04:40 AM. He asks me about my day and my mother. He wants to see pictures of my face and tells me I look good. He held my hand while he was sleeping, and grabbed it again after I went to bathroom – after I washed my hands of course 😉 –
He wants me to try out new things, he doesn’t want me to give up on my dreams and he tries to help me achieve them. He encourages me when I do something and tells me that I can do it. He accepts that I’m not perfect and have a flawed personality. Flawsndstuff remember ?
That is love. That’s what I was looking for. That’s what I now have. I’ll be damned if I let anything or anyone take that away from me.
Sigh… Okay. Sharing too much Naomi is going to end this post here. I bid you all a good night ^~^