Disclaimer: no this title isn’t about the song pillow talk, it’s called pillow talk because I am in my bed and I’m about to share a serious kind of story. Let’s be pillow buddies for now and share some stories huh 🙂
Ahhh relationships. They’re great aren’t they? I always talk about how great TY and I are together. No no, don’t worry. This isn’t going to be a breaking up post. I simply want to sit down and put my thoughts onto words. Sometimes, no matter how great the relationship is, there are things that bother both of the people in the relationship.
I want to make it clear that having an LDR is great for many reasons. However, when there’s something troubling you, it’s hard. TY and I use Facebook messenger all day long to text with each other and use Facebook messenger to (video) call as well. We used to do Skype but we had a lot of connection issues.
When we text though, it’s sometimes hard to get your point across. Here’s the thing. TY and I are somewhat alike, but very opposite of each other. He’s a very driven guy, he’s fit, loves to work out and be healthy. He’s always been with skinnier girls and this is the reason why I always say that I wasn’t at all his type of girl when we first met. However, he proved me wrong by simply loving me for who I am. I, on the other hand, have always been on the heavy side. I don’t care much about working out and I eat whatever I want, in moderation of course. I’ve always been bullied or judged by my size though and four years ago I was at my heaviest. After years of hating myself though, I came to terms with the way I looked. I got a job after high school and within a year, without doing anything for it, I lost an amazing amount of weight. That was a year prior to meeting TY.
I suppose I lost the weight simply because I had a job where I worked very hard physically. Lots of lifting, squatting to lift heavy crates, running up and down stairs for customers and simply being busy. I’d gotten a normal sleeping schedule which meant more rest and no more eating junk food at midnight. I was so happy that I lost so much weight. I felt amazing! Then I met TY and though I knew I was still on the heavy side, I had made it from 120 kilos to 89 kilos. I felt great and more confident. When I just met TY he asked me if I worked out. I told him I don’t do workout and he should drop it because I’ve heard this countless of times before. I knew where he was headed and I wanted to put an end to it right there. He, however never stopped preaching to me about jogging and exercising. One night we had a talk about and he said that where he’s from its normal that people constantly tell you to exercise or lose weight when they care about you. Where I’m from, it’s considered extremely rude and disrespectful to keep telling someone this without their consent. We were friends back then and I didn’t like it but it didn’t bother me to the extreme.
Fast forward to when we were finally a couple, he still says it to me: there’s so much potential in you. If you lost some more weight.
I know he means well and I know he’s not telling me I’m not beautiful right now the way I am. He means well. But because of my messed up sense of confidence, due to my past, I cannot think of anything other than: you’re fat and you need to lose weight.
I made the awful mistake to promise him I’d try to lose weight for him. Not an awful mistake when you think of it at first. I really meant it, it wasn’t an empty promise. I wanted to go all in for losing weight because he made me feel I could do it. Because I wanted to shock him when I’d return to Taiwan, I wanted to make him even happier. He already liked me now ? Wait until you see me when I’ve lost more weight. I got back home and I was devoted. I jogged every morning on my days off, I started counting calories, I bought a scale for the first time in years, ate fruit more than ever, drank tea without sugar and coffee without sugar, had cereal in the morning, tried to eat slower. And then I came face to face with an old enemy again. The scale. I stood on it every day, like when I was a kid. If I didn’t lose weight I’d feel like crap and it wasn’t going fast enough. I got depressed again and I remembered why I never owned a scale anymore.
Because of this, I didn’t stick to my routine anymore. I got sloppy and stopped jogging and counting calories. My mother noticed the scale was bothering me and told me to not use it that much anymore. In the meantime TY still always asked every time we called how the diet was going. And if I’d lost more weight and such. Every time we called he’d ask. I realized that this wasn’t TY’s fault, but mine because I promised him something. But I also realized I now tried to lose weight for him instead of for me. Because all this time, before I met him I was completely fine with the way I looked. I even loved myself to bits when I lost all that weight. I also think if he was there during this time, he wouldn’t have brought it all up. I’m not using this post as to bash my own boyfriend, it’s a backstory 😉 bear with me a little while longer. I’ll get to it eventually haha.
However eventually I gave up. TY still tried a lot but ever time he mentioned it I got really extremely upset. To the point of crying. Because I felt like I had promised him something I couldn’t make happen, and I was afraid because every time he just ask me how the diet was going, all I’d hear was : you’re fat.
And that’s not his fault but mine, for having a messed up past where my weight was always always a very big issue. I won’t get too much into that though. I would try to tell him through texting that I’d rather not hear him say it because it bothered me. But as I stated before, texting might not always bring across your point. It could however bring about a totally opposite thing. He might not interpret it the way I had meant it. During call I’d be too scared to bring it up because I knew I’d cry. I didn’t want him to think I’d overreact and I didn’t know how to explain it to him. How can you tell a guy who’s never had to deal with being heavy, that it’s a struggle every day. Plus I didn’t want to make him feel even worse.
Fast forward to a few months later and him and I have had countless of discussions about this topic. At one point I got tired of it and told him I didn’t want this topic to be brought up anymore. I get he sees there’s potential in me for losing weight. And I know he believes I can truly do it. And maybe I can. But not this way. Not now. I know he loves me no matter what size I am. But it’s always that little voice in my head that says: see, you see it right? He wants you to lose weight, because you’re too big. He’s used to skinny girls. If you don’t change he might not like you anymore.
However, every time we had a discussion like this, I’d tell him afterwards that I loved him still and I know he meant well and I understand his point of view. He’d tell me he understood mine and he always apologizes for bringing it up but it’s become such a habit of his. Today again, he went back to the military after his break and mentioned it while calling me this morning. My whole mood changed immediately, as it always does when he mentions it.
I became silent for a couple of hours, barely replying to him. Because I shut down. I want to tell him how I feel but don’t want to cause drama. Don’t want to make him feel upset, don’t want to sound like I’m overreacting. So eventually a few minutes before he went to bed I asked him: do you love me for who I am completely? – to which he replied he does and I shouldn’t overthink everything and stay positive. So I explained to him I can’t stop feeling like he doesn’t love me completely when he brings this topic up. He apologized again and I told him again I understand his thoughts. But I can’t help but feel upset every single time he mentions it. We talked again for a few hours and eventually he said he wouldn’t bring it up anymore. I told him its best to discuss this when we’re actually in front of each other. Because texting just doesn’t bring about the right points sometimes. One might interpret something else. A fight might start. Unnecessary drama that could end a relationship, especially a LDR where you cannot just visit your spouse after an argument. He agreed and we made up.
Then he told me something for the first time. He said, and i quote: “I keep reminding myself how lucky this situation is. How fortunate that our lives came across and fate let us be together. And how considerate you are. I know we will be fine and we will get through this.” And it’s true. Though we sometimes always seem to end up on the same kind of topic when discussing things, in the end we always talk it through. No matter how hard the topic may be. We are fortunate that fate let us be together. I am the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life. He still makes me feel like I can take on the world. I guess the point of this post is to, as stated before, put my thoughts into words. To explain that it’s not always easy but communication is key. For me, and for him, this one particular topic is very hard on both of us. We know both of our intentions but can’t help ourselves to feel the way we feel. However, talking helps. You need to let your partner know how you feel about things. Though its not always easy. Once again, I don’t put the blame with TY. I know why he says the things he says to me. I know what his motives are. What he wants. And he wants nothing more than the best for me. He loves me, even in the shape I am now. And he knows my motives. We still promised to talk about this when we are actually in front of each other physically. Because I think with body language, seeing how someone reacts when they say something, how they move and see their facial expressions, I think this will help the both of us get our points across.
We are only human and this is not the first and only discussion we will have. There will be more. But it’s how you deal with them in the end, that counts. We took a vow from the very beginning of our relationship. That: if there’s ever a huge fight between us, we will work out it no matter how mad we both are. We won’t give up. If the lightbulb in your house breaks, you won’t go out and buy a new house right? You’ll fix that lightbulb. That’s what we intend to do. And now, I shall go to sleep.
Goodnight guys ! Thanks for reading xoxo