Roller coaster


Looking back at the past year is great. I realize yet again how lucky I am to have met TY. On an app for people who are looking to make pen pals. Looking back I also think about the crazy emotional roller coaster ride it was for me.
Exactly one year ago I traded in my European ID card for a worldwide passport. I had booked my flight to Taiwan. It was my first vacation ever on my own, and the first one where I took a plane.

Before I met TY I’d stay up late Skyping with friends I made over the Internet. I had never before fallen asleep on someone though. I never talk in my sleep but I remember it happened twice after I met him.
We were Skyping one night and it was late for me, very late. I was laying on my bed and talked to him. I listened to him speaking to me and slowly fell asleep. At some point, while I was half awake, half asleep, he asked me something. I answered: “Yeah it’s a lot better than walking them. Now they live in a zoo.”
“What?” , he asked me confused. I immediately woke up because I heard what I said and I knew it made absolutely no sense. I heard what he talked about, I understood but I somehow managed to say this whilst half awake – half asleep. I apologized a thousand times because I didn’t want it to seem like I wasn’t paying attention to him, or that he was “boring” and made me fall asleep. Don’t worry about it, he’d then say smiling. We woke each other up every morning and because of the 6 hour difference, it wasn’t that hard. He’d sleep when I wake up and I’d sleep when he would wake up.

When I was finally in Taiwan and we were a couple, I remember I woke up sometime early in the morning. I felt a hand holding mine, and it was the best feeling ever. I looked over to him, soundly sleeping and smiled. I went to the bathroom and when I came back and quietly laid myself down beside him again, he immediately grabbed my hand again. Like a reflex, something he did automatically, he was still sleeping. I remember thinking to myself: he’s amazing.

On the day of departure, he was awake much earlier than me and I remember him softly calling out to me: “Bunny… Bunny, wake up. You have to wake up.” It woke me up but brought me into that half asleep half awake mode again. I then felt soft lips pressing onto mine and immediately my eyes opened. Have you ever been woken up by a kiss? It really works and it was an amazing feeling. I was filled with joy and love, however soon realized this was the last kiss I’d be giving him for what I thought would be only one year. Turned out, it’s now two.
When we were about to leave the main hotel in Taichung he opened the door for me and I told him: wait. He looked at me confused. “One last kiss, please?” It was bittersweet.

At the airport we smoked a few more cigarettes before we went inside. It was hard because when TY gets sad, he closes up. He barely spoke to me. I wasn’t mad, I didn’t know what to say either. I only remember sitting next to him, choking back the tears and the sobs. I didn’t want him to see me cry because I knew it would make him feel even worse. I didn’t want him to feel even worse than he already felt.

When I was in the plane, leaving took much longer than it was supposed to. All the while I was staring at the Taiwanese flag on the side of the airport while the plane was waiting. I couldn’t stop staring at the flag, which lit up almost the entire area. I couldn’t do it anymore, I started quietly sobbing and felt a sharp pain in my chest. Goodbye Taiwan

The first few weeks at home were the worst. Every night I couldn’t sleep because it felt empty next to me. We still talked every day but him physically not being right next to me was the worst. Eventually, it went away though. You start getting used to sleeping on your own again. I never stop missing him, but I can cope with it again. Eagerly awaiting the next time.

When I heard he had to go to the military, at first I didn’t know what to feel. So many things went through my mind and we discussed both of our options for weeks on end. It was however the first time we actually grew close together. Before then, we were a couple but we didn’t talk much about actual feelings. I initiated it. One night when he was asleep, I sent him a very long message about my feelings for him. I told him everything I’ve never said before, and I mean everything. I didn’t wait until he was awake because I was a coward and I was too afraid he’d answer right away. So I did it when he slept. The morning after, he replied. After that, the breaks were gone. We both told each other how we felt. It was amazing. Finally being able to open up to each other. Tell each other how you really feel. I remember when I was in Taiwan I wanted to say these things but I didn’t for two reasons. One being that he could completely shut me up by just looking at me. I couldn’t speak anymore. Two, being that I was afraid. Now for the first time we’ve said “I love you.”

So many emotions, so many feelings, so many stories. I have much more to tell, but I will end the post here. It’s already very long.
I’m counting down though ! Only 9 months and 12 days left. Until he is done with his military service. Then, the real planning begins.


2 thoughts on “Roller coaster

    • Thank you so much for relating ! I was hoping it would to people in an LDR. And yes, being woken up to a kiss is the BEST ! Hahah so glad you understand ^_^

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