Good Karma

Hi guys! So before I end this day and go to sleep, I wanted to share something with y’all 🙂
I somehow felt sentimental and remembered I once had a Dutch blog. That I started using when I was the age of eleven. I quit blogging there in 2013, right before I started with this one. Simply because the site I used was pretty much dead. There was nobody reading your posts and lets be honest, we write because we want to share our stories with others, right?

So I went back after all these years and saw my extremely horrifying way of typing. Naturally, this blog was full of childish comments, posts and stories. However, there were a few where I (also) went in a LOT of details about what was going on in my life at that time. I started reading up on some of it and came to the conclusion that from the age of 11 up until the age of 16, I went through a lot. I know I wasn’t overreacting in those blogposts because I’ve always been very honest. Both on the Dutch blog and on here as well. I also read a few things that I had deliberately tried to put away in my head. Meaning, that I actually forgot about these things that happened. Now this isn’t going to be a sad post, because hey, have you read the title? 😉 Good Karma.

I think, after 9 years, it’s time to look back and see how everything ended up well for me and my family. To see the result of the good karma I’ve built up throughout the years. To see the light at the end of that long and dark tunnel. Because sometimes, when you’re living your life, you don’t really get to see how everything turned out to be okay. Because you’re so busy living in the moment and working towards your goals and future. So let’s see what 11 year young Naomi had to say in her blog, and let’s see how this has changed.

2011: The first thing my eleven year old self was constantly typing about was missing her family. For the ones who read my blog on here, you probably don’t know this but I only have a few family members left. I used to have a very big family, but it fell apart after my grandmother passed away. She was kind of the link that kept the chain together. I only have my brother, mother, stepfather, uncle, his wife and his two daughters left, as family. I had a very hard time accepting this fact. I felt extremely sad.
2016: I no longer feel sad about this. I am glad that I still have my uncle, aunt and their two daughters. I’m grateful my brother, mother and I have made amends and that we talk again. I no longer feel the need to have those other people in my life because it’s for the better and I know this now. I’d much rather have a small family that loves each other without fault, than having a huge family that mistreats each other. I feel much more at peace without all the others.

2011: My father wasn’t entirely there at that point in my life and hurt me a lot when I’d be spending time with him. I didn’t know then, that three years later I’d have to end the contact between us for good, unless he’d do something about it to change this. He, however, never did.
2016: I can’t say I’m completely over my father, but I can say that I’m no longer heartbroken about this situation. My father will always be a father to me and it’s hard to let that slide. However, just like my family members whom I no longer speak with, I know it’s for the better. Without my dad in my life, I feel more at peace with myself. I don’t have these massive moodswings anymore and I can enjoy my life without him. I still have my mother and my stepfather whom I love dearly. And they’re all that I need right now 🙂

2011: The third thing was that I thought I was never going to have a boyfriend. I thought I was super ugly and I truely believed it too. I had major issues with the way I looked back then, and even starved myself daily. Not having a boyfriend bothered me for a very long time. I thought people would make a documentary about me named: The 50 year old Virgin.
2016: TY is pretty much my first real boyfriend. I’ve dated 1 guy when I was 18, for two months and only saw him 4 times in those entire two months. I had one guy when I was 19, whom I met at a bar I was at very briefly and made out with him(REGRETS!!!) on the first night. Never saw him after that anymore. I no longer feel like I’ll die a virgin, obviously because I have TY. It took a long time finding my prince, because I started looking at age 16, and I looked around desperately. Had to deal with a lot of rejections by guys I thought I loved but finally was blessed with my prince charming.

2011: My brother wasn’t part of my life at that time and he was also in a very dark place. This hurt me a lot back in the days and there seemed like there was no way we’d ever talk again.
2016: My mother, brother and I have made amends a year ago, and we still talk up until this day. Though my brother will always be a ‘special case’, we’re doing the best we can and he’s doing better than he’s ever been in all of these years. I’m proud of him and we are all slowly building up a long lost bond with each other. This too, has worked out in the end.

These are just a few things that I feel have changed for the better. The main reason I made this post is to look back again, with all of you and just take in all of the beauty that has occured in my life over the past 9 years. I was a child, I was naive and childish. However, the feelings I felt back then were real and unedited. Though I may have shared too much information on this old Dutch blog of mine, thankfully nobody ever read it haha.
The reason why this post is called good karma, is because I truely feel I’ve gotten this. Everybody goes through crap in their lives and if there’s anything that I’ve learned throughout the years, it’s that:
– Not everything goes the way you want them to.
– Usually when everything goes right in your life, something will go wrong.
– But, there will be better things at the end of your road.
Don’t let the darkness consume you. We all go through crap in our lives, sometimes it’s harder than the last time. However, you should never let it consume you. Don’t let it depress you. If you had told me 9 years ago, that ‘things will get better’, I would’ve shrugged it off; saying you’re just making it up to make me feel better. But here I am, 9 years later and I’ve gotten so much more good things in return for all the bad stuff that happened. Sure, it might be the age and the maturity level(even though sometimes I’m still very much a kid). However, I’m not going to forget all of what I’ve gained over these years. What I was able to replace.

In Conclusion: Life is a rollercoaster. Just go with the flow and see where it’ll take you 😉 You never know where you might end up one day. Goodnight, guys!



How I met the love of my life

This will be the last post for about a week, since I will be very busy working compared to the previous months. I’m also trying to get my old job back and I’ve no idea how long this will take. I said in my previous post/video that I might have 1 day off next week to post something but that’s just been cancelled. Anyhow, I wanted to leave you guys for a week with an extra long video! I actually didn’t edit that much, the Original video was about 33 minutes long, so I’ve only edited out my mistakes and a few burps. Yes, I burp and I am still a lady (hahaha).

In this video I will discussing how I met TY and some extra things 🙂 Hope it doesn’t seem too messy and I hope you guys will have a good week! Wish me luck ! xoxo
And as Always, thanks for reading and/or watching my videos. Now let’s go to the video.

Pillow talk

Disclaimer: no this title isn’t about the song pillow talk, it’s called pillow talk because I am in my bed and I’m about to share a serious kind of story. Let’s be pillow buddies for now and share some stories huh 🙂 

Ahhh relationships. They’re great aren’t they? I always talk about how great TY and I are together. No no, don’t worry. This isn’t going to be a breaking up post. I simply want to sit down and put my thoughts onto words. Sometimes, no matter how great the relationship is, there are things that bother both of the people in the relationship.
I want to make it clear that having an LDR is great for many reasons. However, when there’s something troubling you, it’s hard. TY and I use Facebook messenger all day long to text with each other and use Facebook messenger to (video) call as well. We used to do Skype but we had a lot of connection issues.

When we text though, it’s sometimes hard to get your point across. Here’s the thing. TY and I are somewhat alike, but very opposite of each other. He’s a very driven guy, he’s fit, loves to work out and be healthy. He’s always been with skinnier girls and this is the reason why I always say that I wasn’t at all his type of girl when we first met. However, he proved me wrong by simply loving me for who I am. I, on the other hand, have always been on the heavy side. I don’t care much about working out and I eat whatever I want, in moderation of course. I’ve always been bullied or judged by my size though and four years ago I was at my heaviest. After years of hating myself though, I came to terms with the way I looked. I got a job after high school and within a year, without doing anything for it, I lost an amazing amount of weight. That was a year prior to meeting TY.

I suppose I lost the weight simply because I had a job where I worked very hard physically. Lots of lifting, squatting to lift heavy crates, running up and down stairs for customers and simply being busy. I’d gotten a normal sleeping schedule which meant more rest and no more eating junk food at midnight. I was so happy that I lost so much weight. I felt amazing! Then I met TY and though I knew I was still on the heavy side, I had made it from 120 kilos to 89 kilos. I felt great and more confident. When I just met TY he asked me if I worked out. I told him I don’t do workout and he should drop it because I’ve heard this countless of times before. I knew where he was headed and I wanted to put an end to it right there. He, however never stopped preaching to me about jogging and exercising. One night we had a talk about and he said that where he’s from its normal that people constantly tell you to exercise or lose weight when they care about you. Where I’m from, it’s considered extremely rude and disrespectful to keep telling someone this without their consent. We were friends back then and I didn’t like it but it didn’t bother me to the extreme.

Fast forward to when we were finally a couple, he still says it to me: there’s so much potential in you. If you lost some more weight.
I know he means well and I know he’s not telling me I’m not beautiful right now the way I am. He means well. But because of my messed up sense of confidence, due to my past, I cannot think of anything other than: you’re fat and you need to lose weight.
I made the awful mistake to promise him I’d try to lose weight for him. Not an awful mistake when you think of it at first. I really meant it, it wasn’t an empty promise. I wanted to go all in for losing weight because he made me feel I could do it. Because I wanted to shock him when I’d return to Taiwan, I wanted to make him even happier. He already liked me now ? Wait until you see me when I’ve lost more weight. I got back home and I was devoted. I jogged every morning on my days off, I started counting calories, I bought a scale for the first time in years, ate fruit more than ever, drank tea without sugar and coffee without sugar, had cereal in the morning, tried to eat slower. And then I came face to face with an old enemy again. The scale. I stood on it every day, like when I was a kid. If I didn’t lose weight I’d feel like crap and it wasn’t going fast enough. I got depressed again and I remembered why I never owned a scale anymore.

Because of this, I didn’t stick to my routine anymore. I got sloppy and stopped jogging and counting calories. My mother noticed the scale was bothering me and told me to not use it that much anymore. In the meantime TY still always asked every time we called how the diet was going. And if I’d lost more weight and such. Every time we called he’d ask. I realized that this wasn’t TY’s fault, but mine because I promised him something. But I also realized I now tried to lose weight for him instead of for me. Because all this time, before I met him I was completely fine with the way I looked. I even loved myself to bits when I lost all that weight. I also think if he was there during this time, he wouldn’t have brought it all up. I’m not using this post as to bash my own boyfriend, it’s a backstory 😉 bear with me a little while longer. I’ll get to it eventually haha.

However eventually I gave up. TY still tried a lot but ever time he mentioned it I got really extremely upset. To the point of crying. Because I felt like I had promised him something I couldn’t make happen, and I was afraid because every time he just ask me how the diet was going, all I’d hear was : you’re fat.
And that’s not his fault but mine, for having a messed up past where my weight was always always a very big issue. I won’t get too much into that though. I would try to tell him through texting that I’d rather not hear him say it because it bothered me. But as I stated before, texting might not always bring across your point. It could however bring about a totally opposite thing. He might not interpret it the way I had meant it. During call I’d be too scared to bring it up because I knew I’d cry. I didn’t want him to think I’d overreact and I didn’t know how to explain it to him. How can you tell a guy who’s never had to deal with being heavy, that it’s a struggle every day. Plus I didn’t want to make him feel even worse.

Fast forward to a few months later and him and I have had countless of discussions about this topic. At one point I got tired of it and told him I didn’t want this topic to be brought up anymore. I get he sees there’s potential in me for losing weight. And I know he believes I can truly do it. And maybe I can. But not this way. Not now. I know he loves me no matter what size I am. But it’s always that little voice in my head that says: see, you see it right? He wants you to lose weight, because you’re too big. He’s used to skinny girls. If you don’t change he might not like you anymore.
However, every time we had a discussion like this, I’d tell him afterwards that I loved him still and I know he meant well and I understand his point of view. He’d tell me he understood mine and he always apologizes for bringing it up but it’s become such a habit of his. Today again, he went back to the military after his break and mentioned it while calling me this morning. My whole mood changed immediately, as it always does when he mentions it.

I became silent for a couple of hours, barely replying to him. Because I shut down. I want to tell him how I feel but don’t want to cause drama. Don’t want to make him feel upset, don’t want to sound like I’m overreacting. So eventually a few minutes before he went to bed I asked him: do you love me for who I am completely? – to which he replied he does and I shouldn’t overthink everything and stay positive. So I explained to him I can’t stop feeling like he doesn’t love me completely when he brings this topic up. He apologized again and I told him again I understand his thoughts. But I can’t help but feel upset every single time he mentions it. We talked again for a few hours and eventually he said he wouldn’t bring it up anymore. I told him its best to discuss this when we’re actually in front of each other. Because texting just doesn’t bring about the right points sometimes. One might interpret something else. A fight might start. Unnecessary drama that could end a relationship, especially a LDR where you cannot just visit your spouse after an argument. He agreed and we made up.

Then he told me something for the first time. He said, and i quote: “I keep reminding myself how lucky this situation is. How fortunate that our lives came across and fate let us be together. And how considerate you are. I know we will be fine and we will get through this.” And it’s true. Though we sometimes always seem to end up on the same kind of topic when discussing things, in the end we always talk it through. No matter how hard the topic may be. We are fortunate that fate let us be together. I am the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life. He still makes me feel like I can take on the world. I guess the point of this post is to, as stated before, put my thoughts into words. To explain that it’s not always easy but communication is key. For me, and for him, this one particular topic is very hard on both of us. We know both of our intentions but can’t help ourselves to feel the way we feel. However, talking helps. You need to let your partner know how you feel about things. Though its not always easy. Once again, I don’t put the blame with TY. I know why he says the things he says to me. I know what his motives are. What he wants. And he wants nothing more than the best for me. He loves me, even in the shape I am now. And he knows my motives. We still promised to talk about this when we are actually in front of each other physically. Because I think with body language, seeing how someone reacts when they say something, how they move and see their facial expressions, I think this will help the both of us get our points across.

We are only human and this is not the first and only discussion we will have. There will be more. But it’s how you deal with them in the end, that counts. We took a vow from the very beginning of our relationship. That: if there’s ever a huge fight between us, we will work out it no matter how mad we both are. We won’t give up. If the lightbulb in your house breaks, you won’t go out and buy a new house right? You’ll fix that lightbulb. That’s what we intend to do. And now, I shall go to sleep.

Goodnight guys ! Thanks for reading xoxo

Get to know me!

These questions come from:

I’ve been quite busy with work lately and so I haven’t been able to think of some real good topics to write about. So for this reason, I decided to let you get to know me. Sounds narcissistic but that’s not my intention hahah. If you want to know what kind of person I am, how I think, how “deep” I am willing to go into answering questions, then here you go! 30 Powerful Getting To Know You Questions.

If you’re reading this and think it’s a fun idea, maybe copy the questions and answer them, link your blog and I’ll read your answers, which will be fun for me as well ! ^^

1.What was your upbringing like?
* As in the way I was raised? Quite well. My mother was basically the only one who raised me and she has taught me things by letting me experience it myself. By that, I mean that if I wanted to do something and she didn’t agree on it, she’d let me do it(while always keeping her eye on me), and if it backfired on me I knew the consequences of it. So in harsh words: she let me fall down, get up and learn from it. Of course she stepped in from time to time if it were too crazy but that’s pretty much it.

2. If you had to describe yourself in five words, what would they be?
* I’d say: kind, chaotic, stubborn, loving and a bit crazy.

3. What accomplishment are you most proud of and why?
* Going to Taiwan by myself. I know it sounds lame maybe but I’ve never been one to be “adventurous”. I am a momma’s child and I am scared easily to take a big leap into the unknown. Taiwan was my first vacation ever to go alone as a young adult and most young adults from my country go on a vacation inside Europe. Here I was, all by myself, never flown before or traveled on my own, going to Asia. With absolutely no knowledge whatsoever of anything outside of Europe. I made it to Taiwan all by myself and back home with no help. I did it. And I panic easily so this was a very scary yet amazing accomplishment to me.

4. If you weren’t working in the job you have now, what would you do?
* I’d work back at my old job. Which I will be doing again in July anyways. I wouldn’t say I wouldn’t be working because when I work I get money. Which I can then use to save up for things I really want in my life. Like visiting my boyfriend and maybe one day, living there with him.

5. What’s on your bucket list?
* Many many things, I still want to visit Japan one day, America and see beautiful places with the one I love. I want to be able to say: I’ve no regrets.

6. What is one of your best memories from childhood?
* Christmas at my late grandmothers place. I miss her dearly but back then when I was a kid, my family was still together and happy. My grandmother had the biggest Christmas tree of the entire family and it just lit up the entire room at night. It was amazing.

7. If you could change something in the world, what would it be?
* I would erase religion. To me it seems like literally all the wars over the world were created by religion. Not all wars of course but I suppose it would be a start.

8. What makes you wildly happy?
* Talking about TY. I know it sounds so cliche and stupid but I’ve noticed that whenever I tell people about TY I get extremely happy and I cannot stop. I’m one of those people.

9. What would you most like to learn and why?
* Mandarin. Just so I can go to Taiwan and speak it for myself. And I could converse with TY’s parents. Which would give me bonus points of course.

10. What are your top fears? * My top fear is that I’ll die alone with nobody to mourn me. Well that got real dark real fast huh.

11. What are your top five favorite books of all time?
* I honestly don’t have a top five of books. I used to love reading when I was a kid but that’s now made way for movies and series. So eh, yeah there you go haha.

12. What music has most influenced you?
* Hmm, you know I dare not make up something for the sake of this post. So I’m going to be real honest and say: no music has never influenced me most. I’m sorry 😮

13. Which of your parents are you most like and why?
* I would want to say “just my mother” but that’s simply not true. Though my real father and I don’t talk anymore, I am realistic to realize there’s a lot of things we have in common. I’d say I’m most like my father. We both have this really weird sense of communication when in a friendship, we both love gaming and movies and we have the same characteristics.

14. How would you describe unconditional love?
* I’d describe it as being faithful to each other through thick and thin and going through bad times together but still remaining to hold on and keep fighting through it, together. I think when your partner and you finally go through something major and life changing in your relationship and you’ve moved past that(whether good or bad), and you’re still happily together, that’s unconditional love.

15. What are your top five personal values?
* Never follow the herd of sheep just because everyone else does.
* Live from day to day.
* Try to always see the positive in the negative.
* Forgive but never forget.
* Treat people the way you want to be treated.

16. What goals do you have for the next five years?
* Hopefully I’ll move to Taiwan, start a career and a life there with TY. And just become the person I’ve always wanted to be.

17. When do you feel the most confident and why?
* I know that most of these answers have to do with Taiwan or TY but bear with me. I honestly feel most confident when I’m around TY. Why? – because it’s only around him when I feel fearless and feel like I can do anything I want if only I try. With him I feel like nothing else matters except him and I. I feel like I can take on the world and haters don’t exist. He has a good influence on me.

18. What big life changes have you recently experienced?
* Once again: my relationship. I know I know, cheesy as it may all sound but really. Since I was a little girl I’ve always wanted a special someone and I had given up pretty much at age 18, thinking that being a hopeless romantic was giving me the wrong perceptions and ideas about love. I had given up and a year later I meet the one guy who truly turned my life around for the better. I never thought I could get the opportunity to be with someone like him because of my past. Yet I did. Though having an LDR is not something easy, I pride myself in having one because in some cases LDR couples are more fortunate than “regular” couples.

19. Are you happy with these changes?                                                                                            * Why yes of course.

20. How did those changes impact you?
* They’ve made me feel the happiest and secure I’ve ever been in my life thus far. I know I’m still young but like so many others, I’ve gone through a LOT when I was still very young. I feel special for having found TY and my new love for Taiwan. I feel special for having experienced this. I feel truly blessed and I’d like to believe this is the good karma I’m finally getting for going through so many hardships.

21. What do you feel passionate about?
* I feel passionate about my future. I truly want to invest all my time, efforts and money into it. No matter what comes my way or what people tell me. I will not be stopped.

22. If you were an animal, what would you be?
* Erm, I’d say a horse (: because they’re my favorite and because they’re always so gracefully and majestic.

23. What really gets under your skin and makes you mad?
* When people don’t take me seriously. I’m always one to fool around and joke, to see the positive in almost everything but when I am truly serious about something or some situation, a lot of times people don’t take me seriously. And they shrug it off as: “Ohh, that silly Naomi.”

24. What are some of your limiting beliefs?
* This has always been my biggest limiting belief and it still is up till this day. My most limiting belief is that I can’t seem to forget about the past. Lots of things have happened to me(as I’m sure have happened to others) and it still weighs heavily on me. It stops me from doing what I want to do sometimes, or stops me from becoming the person I want to become. Sometimes this clashes between TY and me. Because he tells me I can be whoever I want to be if I only try and he’d even be willing to help me. But for some odd, annoying reason I can never seem to do it because of past experiences. And I cannot explain it to him.

25. What is one of your most memorable dreams?
* It was actually a nightmare that turned into a dream. I often have weird dreams and remember them for a long time. This dream happened 3 years ago. In it, I was in a store buying a popsicle and my real father came in as well. All of a sudden the store clerk and the customers disappeared and it became real dark in the store. My father turned into a big black “entity” with flaming red eyes and started to choke me against the wall. I couldn’t do or say anything as the grip of his hands around my throat was getting stronger and stronger. When I was about to “die” something came over me and I stood up and became bigger and bigger, and full of light as my father(or dark entity) became smaller and smaller. Until eventually he disappeared and I was left alone with light radiating all around me. The reason why this is one of my most memorable dreams is because it was so vivid and felt so extremely real. I was experiencing the choking, the darkness that came over me and then the strength and light that came after. Until the nightmare turned into a dream. Up until this day I still don’t know exactly what it means but I’d love to find out.

26. If you could travel back in time, what timeframe would you visit and why?
* I always said the 1950’s but not too long ago I changed my mind. I wouldn’t want to travel back in time. I’m perfectly content with the world and time I live in now. I have Internet, which made me find my boyfriend, and back in the 1950’s or whatever time period it was awful come to think about it. Medical treatment wasn’t where it is today, traveling wasn’t, the way people thought was a lot different. Nah, I’m perfectly fine in the 21st century.

27. What is the most valuable life lesson you’ve ever learned?
* That you cannot control everything and please everyone. I’ve always been a very kind person I like to believe and I’ve let people walk over me countless of times. Because of this reason, I’ve hurt myself unintentionally by sticking with people who weren’t worthy of me. By allowing them to hurt me in the end. I’ve finally learned that not everyone is worthy of who you are or the life you’re living. And that sometimes, no matter how hard it may be, it’s best to leave them behind you as you will find that you’ll feel a 100 times better than you’ve felt before. That the shackles are now finally gone.

28. How do you handle anger?
* It all depends on what kind of anger, since I have a few kinds of anger. If it’s something small and unimportant, I’ll get over it pretty fast and I won’t get affected by it much. Then there’s the rage kind of anger I can have and I cannot for the life of me deal with that kind of anger. I just cannot. And lastly there’s the kind of anger where I just don’t do or say anything. Just sit back, let everything happen and I become this almost psychopath kind of person hahah. So erm, yeah. But I’m a nice person though! 🙈

29. What do you think happens when we die?
* I don’t think we dissolve and cease to exist. I truly believe our soul lives on. Whether that soul stays somewhere between life and death or moves on to a new life, I don’t know. But I don’t think we just disappear after we die.

30. What will be your legacy?
* I hope to be remembered as a good person. As a good daughter, a good wife, a good mother, all in all just a good person. Someone who has helped others, someone who left her mark on the world, in the shape of another person maybe. I just hope that when the time has come for me to leave this world, I won’t be alone. And I’ll be able to say: I’ve no regrets, I’ve lived and loved and seen beautiful things, places and people. I’ve seen the bad and the good and it has shaped me into who I was meant to be. I hope this will be my legacy and my ending.

5 things I miss about Taiwan.

I don’t just miss the person I am with greatly, I also miss the beautiful island of Taiwan and all the things we did whilst I was there. The places we went to.

imageI miss the food of course, the drinks. Just trying out new things I’ve never had before. I think you can tell by know how much I loved milk tea while I was there.

imageI miss going places, traveling for days on end, barely getting any sleep. Wandering around, mostly at night seeing places. Going somewhere. Sharing memories together, and creating new ones. Just the excite of actually sightseeing in a country that’s so rich of beautiful people and places.

imageThe amazing people we have met along the way. In this particular picture we went to a restaurant. When we were finished and waiting for our dessert, a waiter walked up to us asking me where I was from and how long I was staying. Afterwards he came back with this tray, on it he had made a bear of some sort and wrote: “Welcome to Taiwan”
If that’s not hospitality then I don’t know what is.

imageEnjoying the little things together. We bought lottery tickets one night and sat down together, scratching away. We didn’t win much, we both ‘won’ about 10 euros each(converted of course) but it was fun! Feeding the fishes in Tainan, just small things that might be boring to you when you’re at home. But when you’re in a different country with the person you love, those little things are amazing.

imageAnd lastly, the amazing history of Taiwan. My country has some history but I’m not talking about the things that are written in some history books. I mean, almost everywhere you go in Taiwan, there’s history. History from centuries ago. Sometimes you’ll find yourself walking in places, people from centuries ago have walked. Or you’ll be appreciating some old artwork, or statues from the past that other people over the years have stared at, appreciated or prayed to. Everywhere you go, most of the time, there’s history attached to that specific place. To learn about that or hear stories of it, it’s so beautiful.