The moment you finally find a person who’s worth going trough all the trouble for. When you finally feel happy and know that the both of you want this to really work. When you finally realize why it didn’t work out before. That’s when people around you start.
Ever since I’ve gotten into this LDR with my boyfriend, I’ve gotten the sweetest… but also the most annoying questions ever. My favorite one’s from people who don’t quite seem to get it are the following:
– “Do you really think this is going to work? Being away from eachother and all.”
– “Do you trust him? No, I mean like.. Really trust him. When he’s out and all, don’t you think he’s out with other girls? I mean, there’s no way you could really check, right?”
– “Why can’t you just find somebody from your own country? Isn’t that much easier?”
– “So you’re dating a Chinese guy, ching-chang-chong!”
– “Oh, he’s Taiwanese? – Well, it’s all the same isn’t it?”
And here’s my long rant. For all those people who say things like this or think like this.
First let me start off by saying that I’ve always somehow been interested in either love, or life abroad. Even now, my mother says she always knew I was going to be living somewhere else. She still believes this. At a very young age I taught myself English by watching Oprah, Doctor Phill, freaking Maury. Whatever my grandmother was watching at that time. I started reading childrens Barbie books in English and tried to sing along with English songs as much as I could. At some point in my life I found the internet. I found chat sites, where you can meet people from all over the world. I think I was around 12 years young when I first started ‘talking’ to people online. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t always fun or normal. Because there are a lot of creeps and perverts around. And I won’t say I was smart enough at that young age to realize that they were ‘bad’ people. I learned though. And my first real long distance friendship begun when I was 13. I met a girl from California, USA. And I still talk to her to this day. 7 years ago I met her and we still talk. She knows my mother and my mother knows her. We often Skype eachother and my mother joins the conversation when I’m sitting in the livingroom.
Now as for relationships and crushes.. This also happenend when I was younger. My first real crush happenend when I was 15. An American guy I met through a friend of mine online. When that didn’t work out, I went from American guy, to American guy to .. well you guessed it. This went on for about 2 years, when I finally gave up my obsession with America and American guys. I found out that most American guys were just like Dutch men. And to me, Dutch men just weren’t attractive. They were party-animals, blunt, unappealing, rude, irresponsible and just horrible. I couldn’t get myself to like them. But after two years of trying, when I was 17, almost 18.. I decided to let it all be. Love would come to me when I’d least expect it right? I stopped looking for love on the internet, and abroad. I started living my life outside of the “internet-bubble” and I told myself that I’d really have to give Dutch guys a chance.
After all, if I didn’t, I would never get a guy. I would end up being alone and miserable. I needed to stop looking for love online.
When I just turned 18, I met a Dutch guy online. Online, yes but at least he lived in my country. Actually he lived 30 minutes away from me. Almost right away we went on a date and kissed on our first date. The only problem I had was that I didn’t feel anything for him. Sure, I was excited and nervous but that was only because I’d never had a date before. At that point I never gotten my first kiss until that date so that’s what made me nervous. His kisses didn’t do anything. They didn’t make me feel butterflies or happy or in love. It was just.. Meh.
And just like I expected, him being a Dutch guy, he wanted to go way too fast and he was extremely irresponsible. We stopped ‘dating’ after 2 months, we had only seen eachother 4 times in those 2 months.
The next guy was a way older guy, he was at a bar where my parents and I were at that time. The same night he kissed me and said he wanted to give it a try. Again, I didn’t feel anything. Nothing. If anything I was confused and feeling miserable for letting him kiss me. I wanted it, but I also didn’t want it. It was a very weird situation for me. I saw him two days after that and then I ended the contact between us.
Then I tried it with two other Dutch guys. It didn’t work. I just never once felt a thing. I didn’t want to be with them, I couldn’t see myself be with them. I didn’t see a future with any of them.
I gave up. I knew it before. I just had to try it but everything I thought before was true and happenend: Dutch men, are just not for me. I gave up on it. I stopped looking for good and started focussing on my work and bills and whatnot. Then one random night I stumbled upon ePenpal. I created an account just for the heck of it. For fun. I wasn’t going to look for love anymore because I was ‘over that’. And we all know how I met my boyfriend on there…
But here’s the thing.. When he hugged me for the first time, touched my hand for the first time, in general: when he got close to me.. I felt THINGS!
Things, I never felt before!!! I felt butterflies, I felt love, I felt warmth, I started blushing, acting weird. I couldn’t say what I wanted to say to him, because it was almost as if he completely shut me down with just one look. Why did I feel these things with him and not with any other Dutch guy before?
Is it because he lives 18 hours away from me, on the other side of the world? – No.
Though having a partner from another culture and side of the planet is interesting. Because you can always learn from eachother.
It’s because he’s from a culture where children are raised differently. I’m not saying Westerners are all trash because here I am, you know. I’m just saying that in my country the divorce rate is extremely high. Drugs are within only a few feet from your house. I grew up in a culture where sexualization of females is normal. After midnight, you only see naked women on the tv. In a culture where videoclips like Rihanna’s ”Pour it up” is normal. I mean, have you seen that clip. It’s half naked women twerking and dancing talking about money and other materialistic stuff.
Sometimes I walk the streets and I see couples literally dry humping in public. I can’t go out after dark wearing something simple like a hoodie and jeans because I’m afraid of groups of men. There’s assault, the streets are not safe, there’s kidnappers, loverboys, everything.
I walked one night in Taiwan, in less clothes I’ve ever worn before(because of the heat) and not one single man looked at me. I spent one night outside alone for a few hours just sitting in a busy street smoking. Lots and lots of students, groups of men walked by me. Not one said something rude, disrespectful or harmful. I was safe. Because it’s a different culture and my guy is no different.
He’s the first guy I’ve ever met(I’m serious!) who actually cares. When I’m upset he calms me down. He tells me he’s there for me and he’ll be by my side. He’s willing to go nights without sleep because I’m 6-7 hours behind. On Skype we watch movies, talk for hours about everything and nothing, talk about serious deep topics, talk about our future, study together. When I was there, he made me feel safe and at home. Feelings I have never once had before with a guy.
Every night before he sleeps he tells me “Goodnight, bunny“. And every morning he wakes me up with a text.
When he’s out with friends, I let him be. Because I know how men need their space with their friends.
But he always messages me within an hour, updating me about what they’re doing. He’s sending me pictures and sometimes he talks with me for hours on end, while he’s out with his friends.
He really wants a future. He really cares.
So in conclusion:
– Yes, he’s an Asian. What’s it to you?
– Yes, I really do trust him and I don’t need to further explain that to you.
– Yes, I really believe it’s going to work between us.
– No, I don’t want to date an asshole from my own country if I can get the sweetest, most endearing person I’ve ever met before. Even if that means I have to travel 18 hours to see him.
– No, he’s not Chinese and you’re f*cking racist.
– No, it’s not all the same. Shut the hell up.
This is my life. My choices. My love. My happiness.
We are willing to work hard for it. We are willing to save up energy, time and money to see eachother.
We are commited to make this work and to some day have a future.
It’s not easy. But we’re doing this.
And I have to say, that even though it can be really f*cking hard… In the end, a LDR is all worth it.