Reminiscing

I’ve been waiting forever to type this post. And I really want to share my thoughts, feelings, emotions and the things that have happenend in the last 2 years of my education with you guys.
So let’s start, I’ve no idea how long this post will turn out to be but I guess it will be a pretty long one..

It started two years ago in May, I was graduation from my middle school. I did care and welness there and did drama on the side, actually they were two different educations at once. I had four years behind me and went through a lot of changes. In the first year I was very shy, I made two friends on the first day though. I lived in a different city then where  I live now, which was a city I despised. I was still a child and didn’t go out with friends, didn’t have a job and me and my mother went through a LOT that year. My second year was when I met Svenja. I was very easily influenced by her. She was ‘cool’. She skipped classes a lot, smoked weed and she lived in a foster home. She was ALWAYS in trouble at home, Always wanted to become pregnant and said she had miscarriaged a few times. I believed her back then and did everything she did, including skipping classes with her, lying to my mother, lying to school, stealing, lying at a federal case against her to help her out. I am NOT proud of that, believe me but eventually things started to look better for me… She moved away and thus we stopped contacting eachother. And that’s when I found out that she had a bad influence on me and that I allowed her to influence me. In the third year I became more open and started to gain more confidence, thanks to drama classes. In the fourth year I was finally myself. It took me 3 years to crawl out of my shell and I loved drama classes more than anything else! I was dissapointed that it took me so long to become more open and comfortable with myself. And I really did enjoy performing on stage. I had an awesome graduation and I even shed a few tears with my friends.

In that summer we went to Poland for the first time and though I was skeptical about it at first, I adored Poland more than I adored London or Paris. Before we went to Poland I had been looking for a new education and ended up at Zadkine as a beautician in spé. When I got back of a lovely two week vacation in Poland I had to start my education. At first everything was fine, the first day I decided to sit on a table with two girls, one of them became my friend throughout the two years of my education.

Everything I did was fun and I went to school with the anticipation of that day. Every single day I was happy. I had pedicures and even that was fun. There were of course the usual haters around me that really hated me for no reason since day one. At one point we had the decision whether we wanted to do the accelerated course of two years instead of the usual three years. I wasn’t sure about it, I knew I’d panic too much and didn’t want to do the accelerated course. My biology teacher convinced me that he believed I could do it. I took his advice because come on: if a teacher is sure of you, you should take that hint and just do it. I figured that if I wasn’t able to pass that second year I wouldn’t have been kicked off from school and I could Always retry for those two more remaining years. I passed my first year and I wasn’t able to find an internship in that year. I was told that if I couldn’t find an internship in September 2012(when the second year started) I couldn’t graduate in 2013. Because I needed 700 hours of internship in order to pass. I was stressed out! No one wanted to hire me. At that time I was 16, with absolutely zero work expierence and I still had a labret(lower lip piercing). I was denied due to the fact I had no expierence and because I had a visable piercing. I took my piercing out in the summer and went to apply for another internship. I called and the same night , she called back to ask for an interview. The interview was on the 7th of August(one day after my mom and stepdad got married) and it almost sounded too good to be true. My mother was bugging me a lot to keep searching in case this one didn’t work out either. I had to start school on the 20th of September again and I just couldn’t ‘wait and see’.

On the 7th of August I was hired though! And I found out another girl from my class had applied too. Back then we didn’t really talk much. She was a nice girl back then but I never really knew what to think of her. When we finally started working together we started talking more and I guess that eventually you could even consider us friends. We never called eachother that because there was Always that somehow distance between us, she was just like that and I adjusted myself to her. But we did talk about deep subjects, shared our life stories with eachother and talked about our families(deep conversations, ladies and gentlemen..)
In my second year I started realizing more and more how I didn’t like the idea of ‘Becoming a Beautician’. I still had so much ahead of me. My internship hours, my portfolio that wasn’t nearly done! I started to doubt my education. I became depressed and I started procrastinating everything. I did my tests, scored high’s or low’s,  I skipped a few classes, called in sick a lot, left classes earlier, didn’t do certain things anymore. My friend R. noticed and often she would reprimand me. It worked sometimes and sometimes it didn’t. That was also the summer I became really depressed again. Eventually I came to the point of wanting to talk about everything that went wrong, letting my thoughts go and one night I stumbled upon a blog. I read a few of her posts and I was hooked! I wanted to do the same when I realized that her outlet was blogging.

Either way! The blog I am still reading is : http://xjustanotherteenblogger.wordpress.com/
She did make a new blog, under a different name not long after but still I thought it was worth the mention.

As soon as I started blogging I realized how much it helped me. It became an outlet for me. I decribed my struggles on here, I typed about what had happenend, what bothered me, what I still had to do, what went wrong or what went right. Eventually it changed from daily to weekly posts and sometimes even 2-week-posts. Then it became a little silent compared to the first days I blogged and that was because I was working towards my graduation. I came up with new ideas, such as Friday’s Interests, Favorites, Rant posts, stuff like that.

And finally, I started seeing the end. I started seeing my graduation, and though I was still very nervous, I had a good feeling about everything. Even though I failed both my exams twice(then passed them on the second try), even though I decided not to do Pedicures after all, which means that I now only have one diploma instead of two.. Even though I was still trying to cope with everything that happenend in between… I did it. Last Wednesday I graduated and I am loving this feeling. When I turn eighteen I don’t have to go to school anymore. The feeling of being done with High school and moving on to Jobs.. It’s all new to me and in a few months I’ll recieve my first bill. I am nervous about it. I am a bit scared but it’s also a new chapter for me and I like the idea of starting with a clean slate.
I asked my mother two days ago if I had changed during those two years of High School. She became emotional and said: Yes, you have. When I saw you with your graduation hat on in the subway, smiling from ear to ear.. I had to pull myself together for a moment.. You’ve became a real woman. Last time you were still a young lady and now, you’re a woman. You will Always be my little girl no matter what, but you are becoming an adult now.

Looking back at those two different educations, but especially the beautician one, feels good. It feels good being done with that. It feels good being gone from that school. It feels good starting something new and leaving that old chapter behind me.
My only advice for everyone out there who is going to start High School is: Stay true to yourself, no matter what. I haven’t changed for anyone else during those two years other than myself. I became older and maybe a bit more mature but I wasn’t trying to be someone else for anyone. Not like I was with Svenja back in middle school. Though some of the girls in my class didn’t like me at all because I was: a goodie-two-shoes, a ‘saint’, a dull person, a hypocrite(I’ve been named almost everything), I had friends. I had people who I talked to. And I had people who liked me for me. Not because I was posing. I wasn’t pretending. I was me. And yes, I can be a hypocrite, I can be a goodie-two-shoes and I can come over as a dull person. But I’ll only be all that, when you don’t take the time to get to know ME.

So yes, this will be the end of this post. I hope you enjoyed this post and everything I’ve posted before.
I will not end this blog here, just because I graduated! The reason why I started blogging was to see the possible changes in me during my struggles, to share them with the world and whoever wanted to see it and for myself to read back. But, I love blogging way too much and I’ll definately will not stop here. Bye for now guys (:

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