Damnit

by flawsndstuff

Damnit

I had to type about this.. seriously. I need to get this off my chest since I am not really telling ANYONE about this. And there’s a very good reason for that. It’s been a few years now but a certain someone is still on my mind. Usually I forget about it for a while and then it hits me again, and it’s been bothering me for the past three weeks. Every single day. I kid you not.

See years ago, and I mean yeaars ago, when I was 13, I used to spend my days and nights on the internet. Now I think I was looking for an escape maybe. I was going to school but my family was in a huge fight at that time. Not to mention I was feeling very uncomfortable with myself. Maybe to me, going on the internet and chat with people from all over the world was a relief of some sort. No one knew who I was, no one could instantly judge me by just looking at me and I was able to filter out people if I wanted to. And if something went wrong, I could just delete those people and never talk to them again. I met this one person on the chatsite that I used to go to a lot and we became friends quickly. I found out a few weeks later that he was gay, and he became my ‘best friend on the internet’. We added eachother on MSN Messenger and he introduced me to some of the people he knew. Apparently they lived either close to him, or they visited him every once in a while. I met a guy named Eric, a guy named Jake, a guy named Nicholas and eventually I met him.
We were all in a groupchat and Alex was added to the conversation. Maybe I shouldn’t use their real names but then again, I highly doubt they will stumble upon my blog.

Now I remember Nicholas showing me a picture of his best friend Alex a while before that, and I wasn’t exactly thrilled to look at him. He was covered in tattoos, on the photo he was halfnaked and it didn’t look exactly appealing to me, and he was holding this bottle of beer. All in all, he wasn’t my type at ALL. I was 14 around that time but I am not entirely sure how long we’ve talked in total. Maybe about a year..
So we talked in the groupchat, all of us, my friend, Nicholas and Alex. Eventually this other person was added to the convo and he started bashing on my friend. So me and Alex (naturally) started to go off at this person. I mean, back then, you didn’t mess with my friends. Even though they weren’t really .. friends. I don’t know how it happenend but when that person left the chat again, me and Alex were joking and laughing and the others were just sort of there, or be right back. So we added eachother, I was probably the one adding him first but I am not entirely sure anymore. Alex and I started talking more and more and what I loved about this guy was that he had a GOOD sense of humor. I used to always make certain jokes and he just went along with it. Which was fun. He seriously made me laugh. I didn’t exactly know his age back then but I knew he was around 20 years old. Turned out later that he was 21 at that time. He was five to six years older than me. We had been talking a lot more and once again guys: I did NOT like the way he looked at the time. He sort of looked… like a Goofy, bearded.. tattooed… weirdo. Seriously.

But I liked his inside. Now Alex wasn’t online as much as I was. I was spending literally days and nights on the net and when my vacation started, well.. I was online even more. There was a 6 hour difference between all of us if I’m correct.. So usually during my evenings/nights Alex and the rest would get online. He wouldn’t really be online for long either, he’d be on for maybe an hour.. two hours max and then he’d go back to his life again. But I loveeed talking to him. You know. He genuinenly seemed to care about what I had to say. Conversations got deeper every time and I told him some of what I ‘went through’. I told him about Peter, my brother, some of my family. And up until today I still don’t know what made me tell him almost everything. My main goal of talking to people online was so that they wouldn’t know everything about me. And I could literally be whoever I wanted to be. I could pretend. But I guess I felt trusted with Alex. I felt like I could tell him anything and he wouldn’t judge me. He also never treated me as if I was just a little kid. Which I obviously was. I was very childish, very clingy, very over-the-top about everything. I was too much and quite frankly, I’m still a bit suprised he was able to endure for so long.

He never made me feel like I was all of that though. He treated me fairly. He seemed to care and one day, after we had been joking a lot he started calling me ‘babygirl’. It wasn’t meant in a sexual/flirty way I’m sure. Then again, Alex never went sexual with me. Which, would’ve been awkward anyways since I was still a minor back then…. But I thought it was cute he started calling me that way. And he only did it because of some of the jokes we made. It had some sort of funny punchline at the same time. I’m sure that’s all he used it for. As jokes. But when you’re 15, never had a boyfriend before and basically, without knowing, start to develop feelings for that same guy.. It doesn’t exactly feels like that. Before I knew it, I started to like Alex a little more than I should’ve. I told my gay friend back then about it and he was pestering me with it but at the same time he made my feelings for him worse. Because he would ask him about me, he would show me screenshots of whatever Alex said about me, he would send me tons and tons of pictures of Alex.. And then I even started to like his appearance. I started to fall in love with his outside. He was no longer that Goofy, bearded, tattooed weirdo. He was now a handsome, bearded, awesome, funny, amazing, sweet, caring guy.

So by that time I had about maybe… 8 pictures of Alex on my damn computer and I couldn’t stop staring at him. I didn’t know he had a Facebook back then, I was barely even on it. I also had no idea how my friend got all those pictures of him. I started getting even clingier. I was literally waiting for Alex to log on MSN messenger. Sometimes he hit me up first and most the time, I was the one instantly messaging him. But he never seemed to mind. He never gave off a ‘You are creepy’ vibe. Or never made me feel like I was being too much. While now I know I definately was. Alex listenend to me, he cared, or he seemed to care. I was ‘his babygirl’. And what I loved even more about him: he knew exactly when there was something wrong with me.

Now I still have the same problem. Shanice for example can tell EXACTLY when I’m down or something’s bothering me. But she sees me. She has seen me and she spends time with me. Alex on the other hand, never saw me in person. Only on my photo’s and we never went on cam. But he always knew when there was something bothering me. I don’t know if I was being that obvious back then but I remember sometimes trying to sound as hyper as possible in his chats. But yet he always noticed and then he would ask me what was wrong. Sometimes I tried to overtalk it but he would just be like: ‘Alright, if you don’t want to tell me. That’s fine’.
But then I’d feel bad for not sharing with him and I’d tell him anyways. Like I felt guilty not telling him what was bothering me, after he’d been so concerned. Then again, that could’ve just been the way I expierenced it all by then. But even if I told him, he cared. He listenend. He’d talk to me. Cheer me up, make me laugh again. And the others I talked to.. Sure they tried the same, but it seemed like Alex was the only one who really fixed everything.

By then I had literally shared everything with him. And I don’t have the conversations between us anymore since I was using my old laptop back then. But I still remember the way I typed. Y’all know how 15 year olds type on the internet right? Oh god… Horrible. I am so ashamed of the way I used to type and do things. But he never seemed to mind. That was the whole thing about Alex. He seriously made me feel like being me was alright and that it wasn’t annoying. Or childish.

So then again, I am not sure for how long we’ve talked but I think it’s been about a year or maybe half a year. I didn’t exactly take notes back then. I was just happy everytime he did talk to me. I still remember one time and I know this doesn’t really fit in this story but I have to let you know. One time, Alex randomly asked me for a picture of myself. And when I gave him one he NEVER told me why he wanted it. I am trying to still figure out why he wanted that picture. But at the same time, it didn’t make me feel like a total stalker having 8 to 10 pictures of him on my laptop. After all, he had atleast one of me…… (total legit reason to not feel like a creeper)

My feelings got stronger and stronger and I thought it was love back then, then I thought it was just a crush.. But now, years later. I do have a feeling it’s love. I’ve never been in love, I think. But still having feelings for ONE guy, years after everything stopped.. I mean?? What would you call that then? I mean, years later, I don’t even want to SPEAK to Nicholas or my gay ‘friend’ from back then. I don’t want to talk to anyone from back then anymore. I have very strong hateful feelings towards all of them. Except Alex.

I talked to my friend about my feelings getting stronger and eventually I even told Nicholas. Worst idea… ever. Nicholas said he would try and ‘figure’ out what Alex thought of me but all that came out was: being his babygirl, being sweet, being funny. Well, it’s nothing too much but to me that was so good to hear. Then again, Nicholas could’ve made everything up. I am not sure of anything he said was really true now. Maybe he was just messing with me, being gullible as fuck back then.

Yet Alex and I still talked, very much. He still cared. And at one point I was starting to feel sick for not being able to let him know I had strong feelings for him. That’s what I do, I still do it nowadays. If I am totally head over heels for someone I can keep that in for quite a while, but eventually I get so frustrated by not being able to tell them that I get sick-ish. That’s how much it can bother me. And he noticed there was something wrong with me. So one day he’d ask me again what was wrong. And I said there was absolutely nothing wrong. I wasn’t exactly planning on telling him that particular moment. ‘Okay, if you don’t want to tell me…-‘ Goddamnit, fine.
I then told him I had feelings for a guy who was way out of my league. First of all he was older than I was and secondly he didn’t live exactly right around the corners of my home. Now I KNOW he must’ve already known it was him. He wasn’t a complete dumbass, right? When a girl says that, after being the way she was with you.. I mean, come on. Yet he still ‘seemed’ to not know. Yeah, right. I don’t know his exact words anymore but I know he kept on asking about the mystery man. That’s when I was fed up with it and I just… I just said it. It was him.

I swear to God guys, in that moment I knew it could either go two ways: he would get weirded out, stop talking to me and to me it would feel like losing a very close friend (that I had feelings for). Or.. he could be nice about it and in my mind he would’ve said he had the same feelings for me. Buuuuut let’s face it; 15 years young, clingy, childish, gullible, over-the-top excited and everything. Nah.

Eventually he said, and these were his exact words: ‘Aw.. Well I’m sorry Naomi but you’re just too young for me. And I’m sort of already seeing someone.’
Goddamnit. What happenend next was me crying for the next four hours. No jokes. I knew somewhere deep down he wouldn’t feel the same way about me. I knew I would lose him as a friend, it would creep him out too much, all sorts of thoughts went through my head at that point. And the worst thought of them all was: I am losing him now. I screwed up. I should’ve not told him anything.
He kept comforting me. Me being the sad little girl at that point changed my MSN name like a depressed 15 year old. Y’all still remember changing your MSN name to let people know how you were doing, right? Or was that just me…
He kept saying I wasn’t a failure(since that’s what I thought I was at that point), he kept saying he understood and that he wasn’t mad at me or anything. He was alright with it and that he still was going to talk to me. Nothing would change.
Nothing? I asked. We can still be friends?
– Yes :)

I still had Alex, the friend. He still called me his babygirl. Nothing changed.
Weeks later, he had to go on a vacation to Paris with Nicholas and Jake. The three of them. That as in June or July if I’m correct. I was going to DisneyLand in Paris a couple of weeks later too on our last schooltrip of Middle School so that was rad. Maybe I would run into him? Perhaps not, the park is big but hey, a girl can dream right?
And so they left.
July.
August.
September.
October.
November.
And that’s when I started to feel like maybe he wasn’t coming back anymore. Atleast not on MSN. I’m sure he was home by then but he never logged back into MSN anymore. Neither did Nicholas. Jake logged in once, told me some bullshit story about Nick and Alex leaving him in Paris without his luggage and that I shouldn’t ever talk to them anymore. That Alex was really two-faced and that he saw them both logging on MSN while in Paris. So they must’ve blocked me.

And I sort of gave up. I also not much later stopped talking to that guy ‘friend’. That’s an even looonger story which I am not getting into right now. Or maybe ever. I was hurt though. I didn’t understand why Alex didn’t talk to me anymore. Out of the blue, he just never logged on anymore. He wasn’t there anymore. What happenend? Did I scare him off? Did he hate me? He lied about still wanting to be friends with me. Now I do have to say, if I were in his position back then. I’m not all too sure how I would’ve handled the entire situation. Dealing with a 15 year old who’s completely head over heels for you. But still, couldn’t he atleast hit me up every once in a while? In the meantime my first year of High School already begun and I was still updating him in offline messages. But in December I’m sure I stopped doing that too. I was down, depressed and in my Christmas holiday (two weeks) one night I was online very late. It was around 4 A.M. my time and I never expected to see : ‘Nicholas logged on.’ I think I stared at the damn pop-up for 10 whole minutes. And he hit me up: ‘Woah, you’re still alive.’
^ A-hole .
So I was just… I don’t know. I don’t think I fully understood. I asked him (of course) how Paris was. And all I got was: It was fun.. lool.
^ Fcking A-hole .
He asked me how I’ve been and I told him I moved, which I did, me and my mom moved in with my stepdad. I told him I had changed schools too. And I asked him a bit about how he’s been. We maybe talked for 30 minutes and I asked him how Alex was doing. He said he was sitting right next to him and I told Nick to say Hi for me. I was expecting a full: Heeeeeey babygirl!!! Is you good? Is you, good ’cause I wanted to know (our sense of humor, people).
Instead what I got was: He says Hi.

Wooow. At that moment I was so pissed off and insulted. I told Nick that I was going to bed. And I logged off.
That was the last time I talked to any of them. Nicholas never logged back in anymore. Neither did Alex. I did have the hopes that maybe now they would both log in more often. But that never happenend. Even if I stayed up until 4 A.M. Or if I pulled all-nighters, just to see if they would log on. They never did anymore.

It used to bother me A LOT. So much that I told my friend from back then ‘Y’ (I’ve talked about her in some of my posts) about what had happenend. She was so concerned for me and even she didn’t understand. So she asked me if she could send him a message on Facebook because by then, I had found out about his Facebook. I refused the first time. The second time. The third time. The fourth time she asked and the fifth time I just gave in. It’s not like I didn’t want her to send him a message and ask about it. Why not do it myself? – I was afraid he wouldn’t even bother to read it then. I thought, that maybe if some strange girl send him a message he would atleast open it and read it. Give it a try. I was also too afraid to do it myself for other reasons. I mean, he had stopped talking to me alltogether. He might hate me. He might think I’m a total stalker. And yes I was.. I was looking him up on Facebook almost everytime. But just to contemplate whether I should or shouldn’t send him a message. So I let my friend do it for me. I helped her with some of her English and … sent. She or I never got a reply. And now I think that was the dumbest idea ever. You know, if I didn’t let her send that message I MIGHT have been able to send him one myself one day. Now I wouldn’t dare just because I know he’s already gotten one from my friend years ago and I just don’t dare to do it myself. What would he think of me? – What a stalker? Has she still not given up yet?
What I’m most afraid of, is getting a reply saying: leave me alone. Or something like that.

But all I want now.. Is to know what the hell happenend. Why did he stop talking to me. And I might not like that answer but I know now how annoying and childish I was. Is there not even ONE chance, we can start overnew? With a clean slate? Act like all of that didn’t happen and just start talking again? Will I still be that clingy? Or weird? I just want to talk to him. Still.

So the past weeks he’s been on my mind every. single. day.
It’s driving me insane. I think I’ve been stalking his Facebook page every day as well. And my mouse hovers over ‘Send message’ and ‘Add as friend’. But then I end up closing his page again and try and think about something else. Guys, it is driving me insane. I don’t want to feel the same things for him anymore. But I don’t know how he’s gotten under my skin like that? Was it all me? Just seeing things that weren’t there – Probably yes. But he and all those so called friends didn’t exactly help. I mean, is he even that person I talked to years ago? Was that really the same Alex I see on Facebook? They look the same, have the same tattoos, have the same beard, the same everything I like so much about him. That sweet goofy look.
But was he catfished maybe? Or maybe not. It seems like he’s not missing me as much as I miss him. How the hell has he gotten under my skin like this? Because I want to be able to say: I don’t miss him at all. I don’t want to talk to him ever again. Just like how I feel about Nicholas and the other people. I want to feel that for Alex. I don’t want him to know it’s still bothering me after all these years. And I don’t want him to think I’m a crazy person who can’t let go. But I can’t. We never dated, he never lead me on, he never tried anything, never did anything that indicates he liked me too. Yet here I am today, still bothered by it. Still wanting to talk to him. Get some answers, I don’t know what the hell I want from him. Answers, definately.

I swear I am a hopeless romantic. I hope he gets off my mind soon. I don’t want to think about him anymore. It drives me insane. It’s not like I can meet him. It’s not like I can see him. Or even talk to him. I wouldn’t have the balls to add him anyways. Or send him a message. I’m too afraid of his reaction and I don’t know what could be worse: him totally ignoring me, or telling me I should leave him alone and all of that.

I really don’t want this. But I can’t help it. Somehow I hope he sometimeeees looks me up as well. Just to see at how I’ve changed, or haven’t changed. I want to let him know that I do understand partially now. And that I know what I was like. And that I have changed. Maybe not a whole lot but atleast I can understand. He probably is 25 by now and I am 18, almost 19. I wonder if I ever cross his mind. But I guess I will never know.

I really hope I can get a grip soon.
:(